I wasn't Crazy!

There was a time when I thought I was the crazy one. I felt like my concerns as a parent did not count but my responsibility to provide on-going support was unquestionable. I didn't have to know my child's grades in school but be late or miss a child support payment and there was a jail cell with my name on it and the label "deadbeat dad" is not easily shaken regardless of the reason. The funny thing was that I had joint custody which amounted to no rights anyway.

I found a piece that confirmed my feelings and told me that my doubts were warranted. I have included the url (http://www.dadi.org/braver.htm) for this piece below and encourage you to read it. It will make you feel better to know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do.

I hope that you get to spend a nice holiday with your children and I wish you the best for the holiday season and the new year!.

God Bless!

What if she were a DAD?

I have spent months following the case of Caylee Anthony who is a three year old girl from Florida that has been missing since June. It is a shame because it now appears that she may have been found deceased. The remains that are believed to be hers were found in an area very close to her grandparents home. It also appears that the person who took her life was her mother, Casey. I am sure that as the case progresses that the women's rights groups will come out in defense of this woman. They will claim stress, chemical imbalance or depression. What would happen if the killer were her father? Could he expect the same attempt at understanding his motivation? I don't think so.

I am not afraid to say that I think she deserves the same treatment as her male counterpart would. I would hope that if it determined that she was the killer that she be given the death penalty. That would not advance father's rights but it might prove that women are receiving equal treatment for the same crimes. That would be a start.

Have a great evening.

Be well!

Who is the dad?

Although this particular blog is suppose to be about divorce fathers and their issues, I write another blog (http://whosmybabysdaddy.blogspot.com/) whose subject is entwined with this subject. The question, "Who is the baby's daddy?" is a BIG one with several ramifications. It parallels this one because it is about establishing right as well as responsibilities. It is about providing a child with the opportunity to know and experience their respective cultures and traditions. I tend to be serious about these subjects because I was a divorced father and had to deal with the issues that go along with that but I think that men who are not certain they are the father have the same types of issues and the same feeling of powerlessness. I believe that paternity should be established at birth and this way everybody knows going in what are the rights and responsibilities. It is my hope that the treatment of these men will begin to push the courts in a direction that more fairly distributes the rights and responsibilities of the fathers.

Please let me know what you think. This is a hard subject.

Talk to you soon!

Dads want to be involved

I know the blog is suppose to focus on divorced dads but I think there is one central theme that continues to pop up and that is the evolution of the "involved" father. We men want to be involved with our children and share their lives regardless of whether we are divorced from their mother's or not.

I read a wonderful article about an organization of men who volunteer their time to their children's school. The name of the organization is WatchDOGS. The article discusses the impact of the fathers presence on the children as well as the father. It sounds like a mutually satisfying arrangement.

If you would like to see the article, the url is: http://www.abcnews.go.com/WN/story?id=6271282&page=1. I hope you enjoy the information because with all the stories of fathers that are less that interested this story shows that those types of men are in the minority.

Be well and happy reading.

Divorced Dad Dating

First I would like to apologize for not posting in a while but I have been ill and could not.

It has been quite some time since I have been on the dating scene but I can't imagine that the basics have changed dramatically. The goal is to find someone fun and exciting that you can share some time and interests with and the hope is that you will each grow to love one another and decide to build a life together. Sounds pretty basic.

I remember how daunting a task that seemed after my divorce because I had a child that was under the age of one and I spent my weekends taking care of him. While my friends and ex-wife were out partying, I was home changing diapers and preparing bottles. It was not a lifestyle conducive to achieving the goal stated in the previous paragraph but you learn to work around it. And I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. Partying just didn't seem that important to me.

I was fortunate to have met a number of women who thought what I was doing was noble and who were willing to work around this situation. One woman in particular who was named Trish was especially accommodating. She worked as a teacher in a pre-school and she loved my son understood small children very well. I had the best of all worlds. The one caveat was that she did not want to tell her parents. They had traditional values and at the time even though I was separated with no chance of reconciliation I was still married and even worse I had a child. After several months of carrying on this charade Trish decided to tell her mother. Needless to say it did not go over well. Here parents were concerned for their daughter and the had valid issues that concerned them. Eventually I became real uncomfortable with the situation and even though Trish never complained I felt that she was making sacrifices that were not her responsibility. I had created my situation but I felt guilty that Trish was forced to accommodate my schedule. I broke up with Trish but it pained me greatly because she was such a good, caring and warm hearted woman.

I tell this story to illustrate the difficult circumstances and considerations that divorced dads face. Having a child adds a dimension to the search for companionship that results in not only finding someone that you care to spend time with but that your child also enjoys spending time with. You have to be extra careful and the woman you choose has to accept the additional scrutiny from you as well as your child. If she is understanding then this is not an issue but if she is selfish then she will never be able to understand her place in the relationship anyway.

I was fortunate to find a woman who was beyond my expectations and we have spent the last 20 years together. Gina has experienced the ups and downs of parenthood with respect to my first child and has been supportive and loving. I could never express my gratitude to her. The search for your next companion is tough but in the end it can be so fulfilling. Keep looking and be thankful when your search is completed.

Talk to you soon!

Father's Rights Associations

My oldest child from my first marriage is 22 so I am way past the need to belong to one of these organizations but if you are newly divorced or if you are a new unwed father this may be a good alternative for you. Many years ago I was a member of The Father's Rights Association of New York State. I was not active in the sense that I attended meetings and such but I felt like I belonged. These were people who understood the feelings I was having and the fears that I faced. It is hard for those who have not experienced the disenfranchisement to understand it. I remember how many people told me that the courts would be fair and that I should rely on them and view the system as a friend. I also know that I never felt that my opinions were being weighed in any of the judgements. The people in these organizations are sensitive to your concerns and can offer direction in how to deal with them. It is not only men because many of these fathers have new partners and they are directly affected just like the father.

I can't speak for these types of associations outside of New York but if you find yourself in a situation that I have described then maybe you should explore if there is an association of this type in your area and check it out. If anything it will reinforce the belief that your are not alone.

Be well guys!

TTYL.

A book review that touched me

I read this review of a book that appeared on a website that addresses father's issues (http://www.fathermag.com/news/3776-prengel.shtml). Although my son from my previous marriage is an adult, this review brought back memories of the feelings that I experienced during that time. I could feel the sadness and pain as if these issues were playing themselves out now. I felt uncomfortable but I realized that the reviewer had articulated the issues in such a manner that it initiated feelings. I'm not sure if the book he was reviewing was any good but if he feels as strongly about the book as I do about his review, I think I will get a copy and read it. I know it is not a new publication and I am past the stage that would require this type of insight but it is just nice to know that someone understands the difficulties that face fathers in divorce.

Have a great day!

Why can't we organize?

I see so many different organizations dedicated to helping divorced fathers and I think that shows there is a concern for all those men that are facing the same difficult circumstances but what I really can't figure out is how do those smaller organizations come together and create a larger organization that will have some real visibility. Optimally, it would be a wonderful world where fathers would receive equal treatment in the court system in terms of custody, support and enforceable visitation, where the stigma of being a divorced father does not make you a child molester and where the subsequent family does not need to adhere to the whims of the first wife. In order to achieve this optimal world a concerted and monumental effort would be required on the part of not only divorced men but married men as well. It would include the support of second wives, mothers and sisters who recognize that the man they know is not a bad person and is capable of parenting if someone would give him a chance.

How do we organize so that we can prove that the "deadbeat dad" is a small percentage of the divorced father population and that the rest of us should not be judged based on the actions of those men?

How do we organize and create a voice that will speak on behalf of the next generation males that will invariably find themselves in this type of situation?

How do we organize so that good, responsible "parents" are treated with the respect they deserve?

I don't have the answers to those questions but we should think about them. Like America's perception about race has changed we need to change people's perception of fatherhood. Like the first civil rights activists we need to make our presence known and we need to let people see we are not what you have been told all this time. We are GOOD, RESPONSIBLE and HARD WORKING people who love our families!

I hope that I will see a time when this is the case because I have two son's and I wouldn't want them to endure the pain that I have.

Good night all.

What a contrast.

I was watching one of the daytime talk shows on KTLA out of Los Angeles and what a contrast in fathers. The first was a man named Robert who is the type of guy that most good divorced fathers cringe at. His daughter was 8 months old and he acknowledged that he was the father but he would not see the child and he had made arrangements to get Loshonda, the mother, only $100 in the eight months. He is the type of guy that coins the phrase "deadbeat dad". He is the type of guy that has made it difficult for the rest of the fathers out there. He claimed that Loshonda would not allow him to see his child and that he couldn't get her any money so the host offered to be the middleman even knowing that it was never Robert's intention to send anything. I was so angry at him because the consequences of his actions don't affect him it affects the rest of the fathers who are trying to do the right thing.

On the other hand there was Mike who was a career soldier and had come back from his third tour in Iraq to find that his wife was cheating on him. To the extent that he walked in on her and her lover having sex on the living room couch. The last time his wife, Crystal, met him at the airport she announced she was leaving him. She had taken all the money and asked her daughter who she wanted to live with and the little girl said she wanted to live with her father so she Crystal left. Mike was trying to get divorce papers signed and get custody of his daughter. His reasoning was simple, he was returning to Iraq for a fourth tour and he wanted to control who the little girl was with in his absence. It seems that Crystal had been neglecting the little girl during his last tour and Mike was worried for her welfare. When the host pressed Crystal why she left the girl behind her excuse was that the little girl had been a daddy's girl from birth so she just left. Amazing. Try that story if you are a dad going through divorce. I hear your rights going down the drain.

Two men so different. I wish for extinction of the first and for the expansion of the second. We need more Mikes to be visible so people know there are good guys who love their families and especially their children.

Bless you all and have a good night!

Is Shirley Riggs Special?

I was watching a report on this woman named Shirley Riggs who had kidnapped her four children. What caught my attention was that this was the fourth time she had done so. She was awaiting a custody hearing as well as a divorce hearing and she just decided to run. I wonder if her name were Joe or Bob if four chances would have been allowed? I don't think so many strikes would have been allowed. But the other thing that stuck me was the way people that commented on the report made excuses about stress and depression and her deep need to protect her children but the way I see it she is a repeat offender. If they did not refer to her as Shirley or the mother and called her A instead and then described the crime maybe then the outlook on what she did wouldn't be so lenient.

I just wonder if she were a man how differently the perception of the situation might have been?

I hope that in the end the system is not as blind.

Have a great day!

Why are dads disposable?

I can't understand what has created this perception that dads are just disposable entities. A man works hard for his family and children and sometimes is the primary caregiver to his children but upon divorce he is as disposable as a gum wrapper. I remember the movie Mrs. Doubtfire and even though Robin Williams character had his flaws his primary concern was always his children. This situation is fodder for comedy yet no one thinks it is funny when a mother looses her children. Society makes excuses for her and every attempt is made to keep the child with her. Unsubstantiated charges of abuse are common occurrences today as well as excuses that suspend or terminate visitation are also all to common too. Yet don't miss a child support payment or the authorities will be at your door quicker that you can say "but I". If the mother is dating that is fine but if the father begins dating watch and see how quickly the mother begins to take exception to the father exposing his child/children to this person. And somehow this dating decision means the father has questionable judgement and character. Amazing!

Also, what does this teach our daughters? It teaches them that men are here for financial security and when it behoves you it is ok to toss them aside and move to the next man.

I'm not smart enough to know how we change this perception but at some point it needs to change. How do we protect our sons from this treatment? Those who think they are doing a service to the community by punishing the dads should look in their families and if there are boys they should realize they are sealing there fate!

I couldn't say it any better!

I recently came accross this article which was written in 2000 (http://fact.on.ca/news/news0003/np00032j.htm) but I think the issues it addresses are still valid today. I was glad to see that the author was a woman because had a man written these words he would be crucified.

Take a read and know that there are people who understand the plight of divorced fathers.

Talk to you again soon!

I haven't done anything wrong, WHY AM I BEING ARRESTED?

Over the years I have spoken to several divorced dads and heard some horror stories about men have agreed visitation only to be arrested for kidnapping until the could prove they were within their legal right and that the mother was well aware of where the children were and their well being.

I have to say that although the stories were similar, I was a bit skeptical that the police would rush to judgement without any proof of wrongdoing and arrest these men. My skepticism changed when a friend of mine who was in the throws of a divorce was arrested in the local K-Mart parking lot. He had his boys for the weekend and was doing some shopping. His spouse had been told that they would be there in the event she need to reach them. When my friend came out of the store, the police were waiting for him. The arrested him in front of his children even though the boys explained to the police that they were suppose to be with there father. The police did not want to hear their side of the story. Eventually, my friend was released and never received an apology from either the police or his ex-wife. I believed that in this country that there is a presumption of innocence until you are proven guilt but I guess that does not pertain to men of our status. I now believe that this happens more frequently that we know and that it is okay because no one will take up the fight for a divorced father.

I hope that this has not been your experience but if you have a story to share or information that might help others or the newly divorced dad avoid this problem, please add a comment.

Thanks for listening!

Second Wives

I know this blog is suppose to be about dads but I think we need to take a moment and give credit to our second wives. I am aware that they come into a situation with fully knowledge of what is occuring but I don't think anybody can ever be fully prepared for the difficulties that accompany this situation. When they meet us we are "damaged goods". We no longer trust the good in people and they fight to gain that from us. The second wife's wants and needs many times have to take a back seat to the child from the previous marriage. Many times the first wife can be demanding and at times unreasonable and the second wife generally has no say. It must be frustrating for her but her love for her husband keeps her by his side supporting him in spite of many stressful situations.

I love and appreciate my second wife with all my soul. I believe that the obstacles created by having a former family were a catalyst for bringing us closer and solidifying our bond. I think we learned together to appreciate the quiet times and to cherish our children in a way we might not have been able to before.

For those who have shared this type of experience, I think we should stand and applaud the women who love us enough to endure the painful struggles with us. We should be thankful that these women have been brought into our lives. And we should show them our appreciation as often as possible.

Those are my thoughts!

We're Not All Bad Guys!

I read the article today about Alec Baldwin (http://apnews.excite.com/article/20080923/D93CCUM80.html) and I could feel his pain. I know that there are a number of bad apples among us divorced dads but that doesn't mean we all fall in that bucket. And for those of you who have experience with the court system I am sure that you understand the frustrations he must have felt. Now I am not saying that his outburst is justified but as a dad who dealt with the situation for a long time it is so hard to just stand by and remain quiet but no one wants to listen to us so it becomes inevitable that our feelings will emerge in an unconstructive way. We aren't suppose to feel anway!

It is a shame that a term like "deadbeat dad" exists. I think that people want to forget that women don't pay their child support as well. Also, when a dad does something to a child it is assumed he is a bad person and criminal but when a mom does then the commentary revolves around her not being of right mind, under stress or experienced some chemical imbalance. Excuses, excuses, excuses...

I wish there were a way that the divorcing parents could be identified as A and B and the law could be applied more equitably, but that is just me being idealistic. One of the popular sitcoms has a character that is a divorced father and my stomach tightens when his ex-wife threatens to call her attorney because he didn't pay for her AAA coverage or sends him a bill for their son's sneakers even though he pays his child support. I know it should not affect me but like Pavlov's dogs I guess we get conditioned.

I'm sorry about my ranting but it has been 21 years that I lived this experieince and could only stand by quietly.

If you have anything to add please feel free to comment. This blog is for therapy.

Have a great evening!