Father's Rights Associations

My oldest child from my first marriage is 22 so I am way past the need to belong to one of these organizations but if you are newly divorced or if you are a new unwed father this may be a good alternative for you. Many years ago I was a member of The Father's Rights Association of New York State. I was not active in the sense that I attended meetings and such but I felt like I belonged. These were people who understood the feelings I was having and the fears that I faced. It is hard for those who have not experienced the disenfranchisement to understand it. I remember how many people told me that the courts would be fair and that I should rely on them and view the system as a friend. I also know that I never felt that my opinions were being weighed in any of the judgements. The people in these organizations are sensitive to your concerns and can offer direction in how to deal with them. It is not only men because many of these fathers have new partners and they are directly affected just like the father.

I can't speak for these types of associations outside of New York but if you find yourself in a situation that I have described then maybe you should explore if there is an association of this type in your area and check it out. If anything it will reinforce the belief that your are not alone.

Be well guys!

TTYL.

A book review that touched me

I read this review of a book that appeared on a website that addresses father's issues (http://www.fathermag.com/news/3776-prengel.shtml). Although my son from my previous marriage is an adult, this review brought back memories of the feelings that I experienced during that time. I could feel the sadness and pain as if these issues were playing themselves out now. I felt uncomfortable but I realized that the reviewer had articulated the issues in such a manner that it initiated feelings. I'm not sure if the book he was reviewing was any good but if he feels as strongly about the book as I do about his review, I think I will get a copy and read it. I know it is not a new publication and I am past the stage that would require this type of insight but it is just nice to know that someone understands the difficulties that face fathers in divorce.

Have a great day!

Why can't we organize?

I see so many different organizations dedicated to helping divorced fathers and I think that shows there is a concern for all those men that are facing the same difficult circumstances but what I really can't figure out is how do those smaller organizations come together and create a larger organization that will have some real visibility. Optimally, it would be a wonderful world where fathers would receive equal treatment in the court system in terms of custody, support and enforceable visitation, where the stigma of being a divorced father does not make you a child molester and where the subsequent family does not need to adhere to the whims of the first wife. In order to achieve this optimal world a concerted and monumental effort would be required on the part of not only divorced men but married men as well. It would include the support of second wives, mothers and sisters who recognize that the man they know is not a bad person and is capable of parenting if someone would give him a chance.

How do we organize so that we can prove that the "deadbeat dad" is a small percentage of the divorced father population and that the rest of us should not be judged based on the actions of those men?

How do we organize and create a voice that will speak on behalf of the next generation males that will invariably find themselves in this type of situation?

How do we organize so that good, responsible "parents" are treated with the respect they deserve?

I don't have the answers to those questions but we should think about them. Like America's perception about race has changed we need to change people's perception of fatherhood. Like the first civil rights activists we need to make our presence known and we need to let people see we are not what you have been told all this time. We are GOOD, RESPONSIBLE and HARD WORKING people who love our families!

I hope that I will see a time when this is the case because I have two son's and I wouldn't want them to endure the pain that I have.

Good night all.

What a contrast.

I was watching one of the daytime talk shows on KTLA out of Los Angeles and what a contrast in fathers. The first was a man named Robert who is the type of guy that most good divorced fathers cringe at. His daughter was 8 months old and he acknowledged that he was the father but he would not see the child and he had made arrangements to get Loshonda, the mother, only $100 in the eight months. He is the type of guy that coins the phrase "deadbeat dad". He is the type of guy that has made it difficult for the rest of the fathers out there. He claimed that Loshonda would not allow him to see his child and that he couldn't get her any money so the host offered to be the middleman even knowing that it was never Robert's intention to send anything. I was so angry at him because the consequences of his actions don't affect him it affects the rest of the fathers who are trying to do the right thing.

On the other hand there was Mike who was a career soldier and had come back from his third tour in Iraq to find that his wife was cheating on him. To the extent that he walked in on her and her lover having sex on the living room couch. The last time his wife, Crystal, met him at the airport she announced she was leaving him. She had taken all the money and asked her daughter who she wanted to live with and the little girl said she wanted to live with her father so she Crystal left. Mike was trying to get divorce papers signed and get custody of his daughter. His reasoning was simple, he was returning to Iraq for a fourth tour and he wanted to control who the little girl was with in his absence. It seems that Crystal had been neglecting the little girl during his last tour and Mike was worried for her welfare. When the host pressed Crystal why she left the girl behind her excuse was that the little girl had been a daddy's girl from birth so she just left. Amazing. Try that story if you are a dad going through divorce. I hear your rights going down the drain.

Two men so different. I wish for extinction of the first and for the expansion of the second. We need more Mikes to be visible so people know there are good guys who love their families and especially their children.

Bless you all and have a good night!

Is Shirley Riggs Special?

I was watching a report on this woman named Shirley Riggs who had kidnapped her four children. What caught my attention was that this was the fourth time she had done so. She was awaiting a custody hearing as well as a divorce hearing and she just decided to run. I wonder if her name were Joe or Bob if four chances would have been allowed? I don't think so many strikes would have been allowed. But the other thing that stuck me was the way people that commented on the report made excuses about stress and depression and her deep need to protect her children but the way I see it she is a repeat offender. If they did not refer to her as Shirley or the mother and called her A instead and then described the crime maybe then the outlook on what she did wouldn't be so lenient.

I just wonder if she were a man how differently the perception of the situation might have been?

I hope that in the end the system is not as blind.

Have a great day!

Why are dads disposable?

I can't understand what has created this perception that dads are just disposable entities. A man works hard for his family and children and sometimes is the primary caregiver to his children but upon divorce he is as disposable as a gum wrapper. I remember the movie Mrs. Doubtfire and even though Robin Williams character had his flaws his primary concern was always his children. This situation is fodder for comedy yet no one thinks it is funny when a mother looses her children. Society makes excuses for her and every attempt is made to keep the child with her. Unsubstantiated charges of abuse are common occurrences today as well as excuses that suspend or terminate visitation are also all to common too. Yet don't miss a child support payment or the authorities will be at your door quicker that you can say "but I". If the mother is dating that is fine but if the father begins dating watch and see how quickly the mother begins to take exception to the father exposing his child/children to this person. And somehow this dating decision means the father has questionable judgement and character. Amazing!

Also, what does this teach our daughters? It teaches them that men are here for financial security and when it behoves you it is ok to toss them aside and move to the next man.

I'm not smart enough to know how we change this perception but at some point it needs to change. How do we protect our sons from this treatment? Those who think they are doing a service to the community by punishing the dads should look in their families and if there are boys they should realize they are sealing there fate!