I couldn't say it any better!

I recently came accross this article which was written in 2000 (http://fact.on.ca/news/news0003/np00032j.htm) but I think the issues it addresses are still valid today. I was glad to see that the author was a woman because had a man written these words he would be crucified.

Take a read and know that there are people who understand the plight of divorced fathers.

Talk to you again soon!

I haven't done anything wrong, WHY AM I BEING ARRESTED?

Over the years I have spoken to several divorced dads and heard some horror stories about men have agreed visitation only to be arrested for kidnapping until the could prove they were within their legal right and that the mother was well aware of where the children were and their well being.

I have to say that although the stories were similar, I was a bit skeptical that the police would rush to judgement without any proof of wrongdoing and arrest these men. My skepticism changed when a friend of mine who was in the throws of a divorce was arrested in the local K-Mart parking lot. He had his boys for the weekend and was doing some shopping. His spouse had been told that they would be there in the event she need to reach them. When my friend came out of the store, the police were waiting for him. The arrested him in front of his children even though the boys explained to the police that they were suppose to be with there father. The police did not want to hear their side of the story. Eventually, my friend was released and never received an apology from either the police or his ex-wife. I believed that in this country that there is a presumption of innocence until you are proven guilt but I guess that does not pertain to men of our status. I now believe that this happens more frequently that we know and that it is okay because no one will take up the fight for a divorced father.

I hope that this has not been your experience but if you have a story to share or information that might help others or the newly divorced dad avoid this problem, please add a comment.

Thanks for listening!

Second Wives

I know this blog is suppose to be about dads but I think we need to take a moment and give credit to our second wives. I am aware that they come into a situation with fully knowledge of what is occuring but I don't think anybody can ever be fully prepared for the difficulties that accompany this situation. When they meet us we are "damaged goods". We no longer trust the good in people and they fight to gain that from us. The second wife's wants and needs many times have to take a back seat to the child from the previous marriage. Many times the first wife can be demanding and at times unreasonable and the second wife generally has no say. It must be frustrating for her but her love for her husband keeps her by his side supporting him in spite of many stressful situations.

I love and appreciate my second wife with all my soul. I believe that the obstacles created by having a former family were a catalyst for bringing us closer and solidifying our bond. I think we learned together to appreciate the quiet times and to cherish our children in a way we might not have been able to before.

For those who have shared this type of experience, I think we should stand and applaud the women who love us enough to endure the painful struggles with us. We should be thankful that these women have been brought into our lives. And we should show them our appreciation as often as possible.

Those are my thoughts!

We're Not All Bad Guys!

I read the article today about Alec Baldwin (http://apnews.excite.com/article/20080923/D93CCUM80.html) and I could feel his pain. I know that there are a number of bad apples among us divorced dads but that doesn't mean we all fall in that bucket. And for those of you who have experience with the court system I am sure that you understand the frustrations he must have felt. Now I am not saying that his outburst is justified but as a dad who dealt with the situation for a long time it is so hard to just stand by and remain quiet but no one wants to listen to us so it becomes inevitable that our feelings will emerge in an unconstructive way. We aren't suppose to feel anway!

It is a shame that a term like "deadbeat dad" exists. I think that people want to forget that women don't pay their child support as well. Also, when a dad does something to a child it is assumed he is a bad person and criminal but when a mom does then the commentary revolves around her not being of right mind, under stress or experienced some chemical imbalance. Excuses, excuses, excuses...

I wish there were a way that the divorcing parents could be identified as A and B and the law could be applied more equitably, but that is just me being idealistic. One of the popular sitcoms has a character that is a divorced father and my stomach tightens when his ex-wife threatens to call her attorney because he didn't pay for her AAA coverage or sends him a bill for their son's sneakers even though he pays his child support. I know it should not affect me but like Pavlov's dogs I guess we get conditioned.

I'm sorry about my ranting but it has been 21 years that I lived this experieince and could only stand by quietly.

If you have anything to add please feel free to comment. This blog is for therapy.

Have a great evening!