I wasn't Crazy!

There was a time when I thought I was the crazy one. I felt like my concerns as a parent did not count but my responsibility to provide on-going support was unquestionable. I didn't have to know my child's grades in school but be late or miss a child support payment and there was a jail cell with my name on it and the label "deadbeat dad" is not easily shaken regardless of the reason. The funny thing was that I had joint custody which amounted to no rights anyway.

I found a piece that confirmed my feelings and told me that my doubts were warranted. I have included the url (http://www.dadi.org/braver.htm) for this piece below and encourage you to read it. It will make you feel better to know that you are not the only one who feels the way you do.

I hope that you get to spend a nice holiday with your children and I wish you the best for the holiday season and the new year!.

God Bless!

What if she were a DAD?

I have spent months following the case of Caylee Anthony who is a three year old girl from Florida that has been missing since June. It is a shame because it now appears that she may have been found deceased. The remains that are believed to be hers were found in an area very close to her grandparents home. It also appears that the person who took her life was her mother, Casey. I am sure that as the case progresses that the women's rights groups will come out in defense of this woman. They will claim stress, chemical imbalance or depression. What would happen if the killer were her father? Could he expect the same attempt at understanding his motivation? I don't think so.

I am not afraid to say that I think she deserves the same treatment as her male counterpart would. I would hope that if it determined that she was the killer that she be given the death penalty. That would not advance father's rights but it might prove that women are receiving equal treatment for the same crimes. That would be a start.

Have a great evening.

Be well!

Who is the dad?

Although this particular blog is suppose to be about divorce fathers and their issues, I write another blog (http://whosmybabysdaddy.blogspot.com/) whose subject is entwined with this subject. The question, "Who is the baby's daddy?" is a BIG one with several ramifications. It parallels this one because it is about establishing right as well as responsibilities. It is about providing a child with the opportunity to know and experience their respective cultures and traditions. I tend to be serious about these subjects because I was a divorced father and had to deal with the issues that go along with that but I think that men who are not certain they are the father have the same types of issues and the same feeling of powerlessness. I believe that paternity should be established at birth and this way everybody knows going in what are the rights and responsibilities. It is my hope that the treatment of these men will begin to push the courts in a direction that more fairly distributes the rights and responsibilities of the fathers.

Please let me know what you think. This is a hard subject.

Talk to you soon!

Dads want to be involved

I know the blog is suppose to focus on divorced dads but I think there is one central theme that continues to pop up and that is the evolution of the "involved" father. We men want to be involved with our children and share their lives regardless of whether we are divorced from their mother's or not.

I read a wonderful article about an organization of men who volunteer their time to their children's school. The name of the organization is WatchDOGS. The article discusses the impact of the fathers presence on the children as well as the father. It sounds like a mutually satisfying arrangement.

If you would like to see the article, the url is: http://www.abcnews.go.com/WN/story?id=6271282&page=1. I hope you enjoy the information because with all the stories of fathers that are less that interested this story shows that those types of men are in the minority.

Be well and happy reading.

Divorced Dad Dating

First I would like to apologize for not posting in a while but I have been ill and could not.

It has been quite some time since I have been on the dating scene but I can't imagine that the basics have changed dramatically. The goal is to find someone fun and exciting that you can share some time and interests with and the hope is that you will each grow to love one another and decide to build a life together. Sounds pretty basic.

I remember how daunting a task that seemed after my divorce because I had a child that was under the age of one and I spent my weekends taking care of him. While my friends and ex-wife were out partying, I was home changing diapers and preparing bottles. It was not a lifestyle conducive to achieving the goal stated in the previous paragraph but you learn to work around it. And I enjoyed every minute I spent with him. Partying just didn't seem that important to me.

I was fortunate to have met a number of women who thought what I was doing was noble and who were willing to work around this situation. One woman in particular who was named Trish was especially accommodating. She worked as a teacher in a pre-school and she loved my son understood small children very well. I had the best of all worlds. The one caveat was that she did not want to tell her parents. They had traditional values and at the time even though I was separated with no chance of reconciliation I was still married and even worse I had a child. After several months of carrying on this charade Trish decided to tell her mother. Needless to say it did not go over well. Here parents were concerned for their daughter and the had valid issues that concerned them. Eventually I became real uncomfortable with the situation and even though Trish never complained I felt that she was making sacrifices that were not her responsibility. I had created my situation but I felt guilty that Trish was forced to accommodate my schedule. I broke up with Trish but it pained me greatly because she was such a good, caring and warm hearted woman.

I tell this story to illustrate the difficult circumstances and considerations that divorced dads face. Having a child adds a dimension to the search for companionship that results in not only finding someone that you care to spend time with but that your child also enjoys spending time with. You have to be extra careful and the woman you choose has to accept the additional scrutiny from you as well as your child. If she is understanding then this is not an issue but if she is selfish then she will never be able to understand her place in the relationship anyway.

I was fortunate to find a woman who was beyond my expectations and we have spent the last 20 years together. Gina has experienced the ups and downs of parenthood with respect to my first child and has been supportive and loving. I could never express my gratitude to her. The search for your next companion is tough but in the end it can be so fulfilling. Keep looking and be thankful when your search is completed.

Talk to you soon!

Father's Rights Associations

My oldest child from my first marriage is 22 so I am way past the need to belong to one of these organizations but if you are newly divorced or if you are a new unwed father this may be a good alternative for you. Many years ago I was a member of The Father's Rights Association of New York State. I was not active in the sense that I attended meetings and such but I felt like I belonged. These were people who understood the feelings I was having and the fears that I faced. It is hard for those who have not experienced the disenfranchisement to understand it. I remember how many people told me that the courts would be fair and that I should rely on them and view the system as a friend. I also know that I never felt that my opinions were being weighed in any of the judgements. The people in these organizations are sensitive to your concerns and can offer direction in how to deal with them. It is not only men because many of these fathers have new partners and they are directly affected just like the father.

I can't speak for these types of associations outside of New York but if you find yourself in a situation that I have described then maybe you should explore if there is an association of this type in your area and check it out. If anything it will reinforce the belief that your are not alone.

Be well guys!

TTYL.

A book review that touched me

I read this review of a book that appeared on a website that addresses father's issues (http://www.fathermag.com/news/3776-prengel.shtml). Although my son from my previous marriage is an adult, this review brought back memories of the feelings that I experienced during that time. I could feel the sadness and pain as if these issues were playing themselves out now. I felt uncomfortable but I realized that the reviewer had articulated the issues in such a manner that it initiated feelings. I'm not sure if the book he was reviewing was any good but if he feels as strongly about the book as I do about his review, I think I will get a copy and read it. I know it is not a new publication and I am past the stage that would require this type of insight but it is just nice to know that someone understands the difficulties that face fathers in divorce.

Have a great day!